I'm going to be honest, I have been putting off sharing my story with you for awhile. First off, it is absolutely terrifying to put something so personal out into the world. Secondly, admitting to the world how broken I am scares me to no end, but Sarah's recent story just broke my heart. I sincerely mourned for her as I read the struggles she has faced. Her words could have been my words so many times and she had so much courage to share all of that with the world so I knew it was my turn.
My story began in July 2010. Tyler and I had been married for about a month when I had the most amazing, wonderful dream. I dreamt I was pregnant! It was so real! I woke up that morning 1000% ready to start our family. I told Ty and his face went white. We had agreed not to start trying until at least a year, and we planned not to have a child until we had been married 2 years. I was devastated. I began craving a child of my own and the day I would become a mother. I realized he was right, I had a lot of growing up to do and we decided to wait awhile longer.
Fast-forward to November 2011. Tyler and I finally felt like we are both ready to start our family so we started trying. I assumed that in just a few months I would be pregnant and looking forward to our perfect little family expanding. One month went by, nothing… Two months, nothing…. Six months nothing. By 6 months I was fairly convinced that things were not going to happen easily for us. It was so hard on me. This was the first time in my life, no matter how hard I worked, I had no control over the outcome and that shook my faith to the core. I couldn't understand why if my Heavenly Father loved me, he wouldn't make this happen for me. I knew he was capable and I knew he understood my pain but in my narrow mind, I was unwilling to see the the blessings he had given me and I focused instead on what I didn't have.
So at this point, I was frustrated, sad, angry, desperate, and as anyone who has suffered from infertility knows, I felt very very alone. I unfortunately decided that Heavenly Father was just not involved in my life, at least not very much, and that if I could start doing infertility treatments I would be able to get pregnant. I continued attending church but I had distanced myself from God.
In hindsight I can see that I was just looking for someone to blame. If I could blame Heavenly Father then it wasn't my fault. I knew that my body was the reason I wasn't able to get pregnant but I wasn't ready to face that yet. I felt like a failure, I couldn't understand why even though women have been having babies for centuries, but my body couldn't do that, at least not on its own, so I blamed God. I continued to do the outwardly things, go to church, read my scriptures daily, and even say the same prayer over and over again, “Please let me get pregnant this month.” But my heart was far from him.
By October 2013, I started seeing a doctor about my infertility and we started the testing process. We did at least 10-15 different blood works and an ultrasound and it was determined that I have PCOS, a fun imbalance of hormones that typically in women means they don't ovulate. I was put on some medicine and then we decided to start the ovulation pills, Clomid. There were a couple of set backs so I wasn't able to start until the last week of December 2012 and I knew it would work. I was so absolutely sure that I would get pregnant this first round. I had the nursery all decorated in my head, down to the paint color. I had Pinterest boards and online shopping carts just waiting for the day when I could say ok, I'm pregnant.
The end of January came and I had self diagnosed all the pregnancy symptoms, I was easing up on my rigorous exercise program and I took the pregnancy test that I had taken a handful of other times and I found out I was not pregnant. I was devastated, I didn't understand, I had done everything just as they told me to and I still wasn't pregnant. (Insert tons of sobbing here.) I was hormonal from the medicine and had been through the ups and downs before, and I just fell apart.
Despite my devastation, we decided to stick with the Clomid for as long as we could. We both felt like this would help us get pregnant and we were not giving up without a fight.
We did 2 more rounds of Clomid, all with the same results, not pregnant. We had done testing during the cycle to see if I was ovulating, and every month, I was in fact ovulating so we were all stumped. Slowly, my heart softened, and I began to listen to my husband testify of our Savior's love for me and for us. I was able to let go of some of my anger and start to cope with the fact that infertility was not a punishment from God.
It was the end of March 2013 and my doctor suggested we do an IUI. They would do a test on my husband and then on my ovulation days actually inseminate me. We moved forward with this plan but on the day of Ty's test, we just felt like it wasn't right and decided not to do it. Ty was graduating in April and we were moving an hour away for his job and so we decided we would do the Clomid as planned for April and then just take a break. We continued trying over the days I was ovulating but we went on with our lives. By the end of April we confirmed we were not pregnant and by now had become pretty numb to all of it.
At the beginning of April, we watched a semi-annual meeting by our church and there were several speakers that I felt answered questions and relieved some of my doubts and fears. One speaker in particular shared a story about his daughter in law who was struggling with infertility. She had a couple of children already but was really struggling because she wasn't able to get pregnant again. He talked about how she finally gave up her desires to God and would submitted to His will for her. Hearing that softened my heart even more and I began praying for that same thing. I wanted to do Heavenly Father's will over my own and I wanted him to help me give up my desires and help me to desire his plan for me.
By May we decided we needed a break. We decided not to do the Clomid and to take the summer off. We were going to have a fantastic summer enjoying the new area we lived in and having fun being done with school.
Something happened in May that stood out to me. Our new church leadership visited us and we mentioned how we were struggling with infertility and a bishopric member said that they had struggled for several years, and then right after they moved they got pregnant. I remember thinking, I wish that would happen for us but there isn't a chance in the world that it will.
By the last weekend in May I knew my period would be coming soon but since I had stopped the Clomid and I hadn't ever been regular before it, I didn't know when it would come or if it would come at all. I had a left over pregnancy test and to this day, I don't really know why I took it, maybe out of habit? I guess I wanted to be sure my period was coming. Whatever the reason, me not on fertility, not having any pregnancy symptoms took a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant. I was in full and utter shock for the next few hours. I immediately called Ty at work and told him to sit down, I had news, I was was pregnant. He asked if I was sure so I sent him a picture of the test (but we still ended up taking 2 more in the next 24 hours, just to be safe).
We now have a funny, exhausting, amazing, 2 year old girl who has completely changed our lives. We know that God loves us and know that he is a part of our lives, and even if we don't always understand why, we know he will give us relief to continue through our trials. I am still trying everyday to become the person he wants me to be. It is most definitely a constant struggle for me, but I know it will bring more happiness than anything else in the world.